Saturday, March 12, 2011

Rantings of an Old, Pathetic Woman.

I guess everyone has, at some point in their life, felt alone like an outcast.  As fabulous and awesome as I am, I am no exception. 

A little background here:  I am currently pursuing a Master's degree in educational studies.  I hope I'll finish within one-and-a-half year or less.  That's the dream. 

Well, being a post-graduate back in your old university is not as easy as it sounds.  Especially the majority of your friends have all graduated and pursuing a career instead of a higher degree.  How I miss them~

I tried befriending the juniors but who was I kidding?  Apart from this Kuyat, I am always reminded of how old I am.  For crying out loud, I'm only 25!!!!  Sure, sure.  Make fun of me but out there, people take you more seriously if you are older. 

I mean, when I attend meetings or workshops for my research, I see a lot of "old people" and I mean people the age of my parents and uncles and aunties.  It makes me feel so small and stupid, as if the license for a PhD depends on the number of white hair you have. 

And then, when I attend gatherings or fellowships in undergraduates societies (which I'm told I'm welcomed to join), I feel... OLD.  I didn't think my age would make any difference (I mean, there are people who are older or the same age as me!) but no offense, I am always being reminded of how senior I am, how old I am.  Blah, blah.

Yeah, yeah, who am I kidding?  I should have moved on.  I should have known where I stood.  But I thought things would be different.  I remembered that Maria (not a real name) was never told over and over again of how old she is.  I would rather people say 'Bongok' or 'Paloi kawu' than ever hearing people say 'Eee... kamu dah tua la..' which sounds like a discrimination to me.   

Maybe I shouldn't have tried to fit in.  Maybe I should have spent more time hanging out with my "peers".  Who likes changes? Trying to make a difference will only rock the order of the world (and I don't mean in a good way).  And in the process, it will make me look pathetic. 

Guess this is goodbye, then. 

14 comments:

step.on.top said...

errr kuyat?! ceitt! tehehe chill la mel.aku juga prnah merasa bgitu..

kdg2 aku rasa sgt hina/bongok/paloi/kasihan ngenang dirik extend.smua kwn sdah grad smpe aku klai ngan mak cuz knak result aku sgt teruk pdhal dolok i once a bright student. T_T

what can i say, hidup cam roda ba.kjap atas kjap bwh.ms ku join gathering last sem, tb2 sa sunyi n terasing tga ko, melot, angel, lis smua dah xda..ngan sapa ku mok kawan??

nsb ada amau, ada beth.tp aku still rindu takorg...bla ku tga ko 1st time msk bt150 sem tok tek, rasa mok nanges jak!! huhuhu btapa aku rindu sama dikau.

nsb da fb, da blog, dpt juak kaka ngan melot, ngan angel.

CUS juak polah aku x rasa hina (since td ku pdh ku malu cuz aku extend) sbb dgn daknya la ku hepi2,main2, lupakan smua nak stress2 ya.tua juak la kiranya cuz spttnya grad tp x grad2! haha

xpa mel, kuyat ini ada..kuyat ini tarak pernah rasa dia pilih2 kwn sama org umo brapa! hehe btw, ku sa ku pnah kecikkan ati ko dlok tp well, aku ng muka x malu, ego.xmok say sorry.tegur ko balit,polah ko tetak, polah ko senyum are some of d ways i use to hint dat i wanna say sorry to u.ngehehehe

xlama ya staun stgh.lak ko, aku dah grad, gikla xkan dpt temu sesenang tok.harus kita sama2 hargai masa yg masih ada.lak dah keja, temu kawan baru,sah2 x sedar lost contact sesama dirik! da cicit bru bjumpa balit kali..huhu

Mad Maureen said...

lebih rela dipanggil bongok and palui kawu?

ok... let me try.. 'bongok kawu..' 'palui kawu...'

ahahaha.. ok2..

haiya, last time there was somebody who said la kan, being older is a blessing that you can live on earth longer. and being older but looked younger is a better blessing. i wonder who that is... :P

Why would you feel left out is still something i can't understand, in the CUS context. among the master students, i can understand la, since they are all kinda looked professional.

i mean, in the CUS, people celebrate your birthday in CUS dinner?! that was like, first time in history of CUS nite right? hahah.

not all the seniors are as lucky as you, you know...

btw, people are just joking, sometimes you gotta let go and just embrace the jokes.. Sometimes if the jokes are too much, then you just gotta bring them back down to the limit.anyway, what's fun in life if everything kena bersopan kan? hahah.

when people starts joking with you, it means they are more rapat with u. With Maria, the CUSers are not that close with her, thus they don't dare to call her old or remind her about it.

ok if you want to be treated like her, then you will lose more things that you have now.. sometimes, we cannot have everything in life. that's why, when you have it, you gotta share it.

and i am sorry cause i know i was the reason that you are reminded of this issue, but as i said it before, i meant it in a good natured way....

please please please do not change what you have now... though there were name callings and such, deep down inside that name callings was the cover to hide their feelings of love for you..

ok. i know, cause i take literature. that's all.

Joe Jr. said...

oh nowonderla ko xmo hang otu with kami lg... dun woryla aunty... u're not dat old.. u act mcm kmi jg.... so xpnah pun anggap ko nie tua... mcm step la... km juz anggap dia bru 15... hahah... maybe yg lain lyn ko pelik ckit coz ko senior.. so, durg masih takut2 2k bermain2 sma kau.... kita blm lg hv our pool party... i noe its been hard for you to blend in if it makes u feel unhappy.. CUS and me really feel sory if kmi menyebabkan ko rasa unwelcome or anything.. so, no goodbyes k... keep hangin' with us.. coz sy and claire marie need our ahjumma.. lol...

jeans lusuh said...

wait...
sapa treat u like ur an old lady as u are? wakakakak... no la. gurau2 jak. iboh terasa bah. sapa maria bukan nama sebenar ya? curious.

well, aku rasa, like joe said, org belum biasa dgn kau. dun worry la. ada gik yg lebey tua. if u really really want it... i mean, mun ko benar2 mauk la... aku boleh jak, dengan senang ati nunggah ko seperti apa yg ko mok huahuahuaaa...

well, u can hang out dgn mekorg yg agak2 dah mok mencecah angka kosong d belakang hahha...tp, sik mok serius2 la. hahahah...

i boh lalek ngan org. lenkali if ada org mcm2 mok diskriminasi, madah jak. kelak ku setelkan hahaha

well, who am i kidding? im 27 still doing my degree...

Mad Maureen said...

Joe, Claire and Step, you guys were the one that made her feel welcomed so much... Don't apologize for something you hadn't done. I was supposed to be the one who apologized.

It was something else.. And it all started from me lah.. huhu..

I was the one who brought up about name callings issues and provoked her at first place.. hahah..

she wrote this out to express herself due to my provocations that night on facebook (all started from my stupid comments about Jay Chou omg now u guys know how childish i am.. wait you guys already know about how childish i am, right?) and i don't think she still keep that thoughts about being unwelcomed.

And i appreciate her honesty for voicing this out and give me the chance to see things from different perspectives, from us and from her.

And of course my sister can differentiate between jokes and sarcasm. She knows you guys are joking la.. hahah. Don't worry. It was something else, don't worry.


Ya, about pool party, i am still counting on it! yeah! Mel, when can we have it?

Mel, sorry for this.. I am your sister so i think i can easily be forgiven right? hahah.

Mel Malden said...

mel. ilek2 la. Angka no meningkat but young at heart. yeah.

reading this post, your entri sound serious. tp komen ku asa mok tetak guling2. and found out step admit she misses me here. hoh! step, admit it on my page la.haha

anyhow, chill out la mel. they just mahu menceria2 kan kawu n sikda stok mahu polah lawak lain so main age issue.haha

step.on.top said...

ya ku malas mun melot start salah paham! ceitttt! i hate u...muahhh! mari berasmaradana d blog mel.

mcjayn said...

oh, apa ku nak kata? tak orang la pun pasal!

wahahahaha

ok, yg buat i rasa diskriminated not any of u guys yg komen2 sini. org yg buat camtu ialah org yg slalu nak kata "eh, super senior dah ni" everytime aku nak mix around. bukan nak berkira tapi kata org super senior, diri sendiri nampak lebih senior :p (ah, shit. skrg anda tau isi hati saya yg prasan ni). kakakaka

i x kisah sgt. dah lama terpendam. tapi sbb terpendam la bila ada kes yg mengungkit peristiwa gitu, gunung api pun meletop. hehe.

i miss u too step. sbb ada anda, itula saya balik CUS smula. hehe.. benar. sbenarnya saya malas nak gi fellowship every friday (mun bukan ada kawu siya).. yela.. org dah xda kelas, xda keja lain. ku boleh jak mun mok jadi kedak otaku x keluar bilit. email2 sama my supervisor. tapi, sbb i know i still have friends like claire, joe, melot (dlm ingatan), bebeth, adik ku, and etc. ku pegi jak. mesti rasa sakit ati mun lost contact sbb x berusaha utk kontek.

thanks for all your comments. i know u guys care :) tq.

step.on.top said...

sdah dpn mata, mel ttp rindu i~ benarlah kata pepatah, dekat d hati tp tetap rindu bla xda dpn mata - pepatah buatan sendiri yg tlah dipatah2kan.

melot, harap anda tidak cemburu buta.ppffttt

jeans lusuh said...

eh... lenkali kita boleh ada sesi dari hati ke haati tentang org yg kata "super senior" wakakakakaka...

*macam tauk2 jak*

jeans lusuh said...

hahahaha...
aku pun merik ko homework. dateline malam tok. tp sik kisah la ko molah ka sik wakakka

Mel Malden said...

haha melot (dalam ingatan).naseb bek gyk ada dalam ingatan.haha

aok la step. mok bercanda di page mel. i admit, i miss u, everyone, evertything in penang. (adeh, sedia jak kena balit ngan step)haha. working life is lees fun! btw, pepatah step sungguh tak tahan.

Mad Maureen said...

Claire, sesi pillow talk kedak sidak Mark and Boni ya ka? hahah.. boleh jak.. kita molah guys talk lo. XD

jeans lusuh said...

ya...kita molah guys talk hahahaha

8memandangkan sik boleh masuk fb, aku aktif mengomen d blog2 org wakakaka*